When Your Boss is Smarter than Your Boyfriends

I was recently out on a date with someone, and mentioned in casual conversation to the guy that my boss is smarter than most of the people I know.

It wasn’t until some time had passed, and conversation had definitely moved on to other things that he brought it up again. “I was just thinking, having met your boss, that yeah — that could be really intimidating.” I gathered, in the moment (trusting an accurate read of nonverbals), that not only could it be really intimidating… it definitely WAS, to him.

This brought on an array of considerations for me, because I do work with a CEO who is successful, respected, and has a reputation for intelligence. As a result of my work with him, certain things about me have changed. I’ve become: a good conversationalist. Someone who can think on their feet. Calm under pressure. (Ok, calm-er.) And someone who can engage challenging, intellectual conversations without feeling intimidated or exposed.

I reap the benefits of these things all the time, but I do find that in a dating setting, they can be a disadvantage. I become someone who is looking for the caliber of conversation that I would have entering an intellectually charged atmosphere, every day. A problem-solving world of critical thought and relational complexity. And sometimes when you’re sitting across the table from someone and you’re starting with talking about the spice level of your Thai noodles… well, comparisons get made.

For me, this has become an adventure in learning to appreciate the differentiation between my work world, and a personal world where part of engaging the moment means setting aside expectations for a fast-paced and challenging conversation. It means sitting across from someone and being willing to get to know THEM — and be okay with who you discover. Recognizing this journey is a different one than the one you go on every time you go in to work — and finding that to be just fine.

I recently read an interview with Terry Gross, an NPR host, who suggested that the only ice breaker you’ll ever need is “Tell Me About Yourself.” She explains the phrase as an open and inviting way to get to know someone without imposing upon them certain assumptions. Another skill she noted was being someone who took a genuine interest in the information being shared. Active listening isn’t just something you look like you’re doing. It’s something you do.

I thought this was so apropos to any situation. The worst thing you can be as a result of your work is a snob. The best thing you can be is a versatile person who takes an active interest in learning about others because they — in and of themselves — are worth getting to know.

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