Do you Find Sex Painful? You are Not Alone

For 1 in 10 women, sex hurts — every time

I thought I was never going to be the kind of person that knows much about this topic, let alone write about it. Turned out, I did have to deal with dyspareunia for 5 years of my marriage, and it took a whole other level post-birth when the hormonal shift (coupled with seven stictches) caused havoc in my body.

To put it nicely…it was shit.

In the beginning, I didn’t know what to do with myself, I didn’t know how long it would last for and if it was planning to hang around for the long haul; the more specialists I saw, the more disheartened I got “Try this cream, and come back in a month”. No sure results, not even a specific diagnosis.

It is still so raw in my mind that walk out of the hospital, after one of my bi-monthly check-ups. There was a strong wind blowing that kept on wiping the tears away from my face; I wanted to call someone, but I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to call my husband, cause I didn’t want him to suffer even more. I felt so freaking alone, and the more I looked for support, the more lonely I felt.
But apparently it’s not part of my nature to give up, and for some reason, I couldn’t accept the fact I had to spend an entire life living in pain, and so I powered through. I read until my eyes couldn’t stay open, I saw every specialist in town, I found every forum, IG or FB account on the web, and I joined (sometimes started), the conversation.

Dyspareunia is the term used to describe pain before, during or after vaginal intercourse. Painful sex is distressing and can result in the loss of sexual interest, relationship problems, and affect your mood.

This is how I have managed it, and if your story resonates with mine, I highly recommend you to:

Get checked; before trying anything that I suggest you, go to the Doctor and find out what is going on. You may be dealing with endometriosis, chronic candidiasis, hypersensitivity or lichen planus. All the above have completely different treatments, but once you deal with the root cause, you will be able to go back to a “normal” sex life. Nutritional advices and supplementation can be extremely useful for some of these conditions, and you may want to talk with a nutritionist or naturopath about it.
If instead, you are dealing with a traumatic experience (and let’s face it! Giving birth can be quite traumatic!), you may want to talk with a sex therapist or counselor, and see if sharing your story and fears can give you some relief.

Whenever you want to try to have sex, choose a relaxing time; it is paramount to choose a time when you don’t need to rush. it is important to take it slow and see how the body reacts, in order to get over the initial resistance. Breathwork and mindfulness are extremely powerful in this instance, and not only during the act in itself. I found that meditating and envisioning a joyful sex life brought incredible benefits as if my mind had created new neural pathways, and instead of thinking PAIN, it was more focusing on the joyful act of connecting with my husband.

Don’t stress over it. Please don’t roll your eyes. I know that not being able to have the sex life you had in your twenties can be thought-consuming and quite exhausting (especially if the pain carries out in your daily life), but nothing good comes out of stressing out. Stress can increase the perception of pain, increase the general level of inflammation, depletes your energy, and it can easily lead to depression. Instead of getting upset over your current situation (obviously, you will need to deal with off-days like anyone else), try to get to the bottom of it, and find an outlet where to get all your negative energy out. As I said before, I enjoyed visualization meditation; those few minutes in silence made feel ok with life. But you can also go for a walk, a boxing class, catch up with a friend, journal, take a holiday…

Talk to your partner about what you are experiencing; pain during intercourse is freaking tough on couples, and especially for couples with little babies, as the connection between the partner gets lost in the extremely busy routine of taking care of another human. Yet, ignoring the things for what they are, it’s counterproductive. Your partner can be quite open to the dialogue, or maybe not; but you need to open the communication channel. Some partners are quite keen on replacing sex with other activities such as spending quality time together and kissing. Others will opt for the old and dusty “red” tape. See where you can compromise; you may think your partner wants sex every night of the week, but you may find out he is exhausted as well (being a father is not a walk in the park)and spending time “canoodling” on a monthly basis is more than enough to keep him happy. Don’t throw in the towel, also when it feels like it’s unfair and you are the only one.

Take control. During this time, when pain and fear are involved, I suggest you take control and decide when and if to have sex, and in which position. You are not a nuisance for wanting it your way, and no loving partner wants to see you suffer.

Use lubricants. And tons of it, and always go for the organic water based version. All the others can be quite abrasive and they can lead to an inflamed skin (so not fun). I went down the natural route and always used coconut oil; yep, there is lots of washing to do afterward, but it felt as if I was taking care of my skin from the inside.

Cry. Yep, it sucks. Yep, it’s unfair. You need to grieve what you lost (for now). I haven’t been able to wear pants or leggings for as long as I can remember due to an autoimmune condition I have developed post birth. I remember spending hours on the bus to work watching which kind of leggings or jeans women were wearing; I used to get some dang infuriated about the unfairness of not being able to shop and wear what I wanted. And I cried so hard. So, so hard. People would listen to me, would possibly pity me, but no one really got it, not even the specialists. SO I powered through, as I have committed myself to a happy and healthy life.

Related posts:

All things are in a “constant” state of flux, all things change constantly nothing stays the same. It might take some perspective adjustment in order to capture the change but everything changes all…

The woman died at the camp that was run by Richardson. He stated that he was very devastated by the killing. According to experts, North Korea sent at least 40 shipments that were unreported to Syria…