Being and Belonging

Ela Crain on Embracing Individuality and Being True to Yourself

Ela Crain is a natural learner, fascinated by the human condition and all its aspects. She has a unique ability to dive deep into the core of what makes each individual tick, while also being able to zoom out and look at things on a macro level, observing the innate human traits that bind us together.

Ela’s career has led her down a variety of different paths, from founding an award-winning non-profit to writing a novel about the makings of a serial killer. Each of these endeavours have taught her invaluable lessons about humanity and our greatest passions, fears, and struggles. Now, she uses her breadth of experience to coach others through seminars on how to tackle their issues, embrace themselves for who they truly are, and fulfil their potential. I met Ela after writing an article on her work on perfectionism and its perils, and was eager to talk to her more about her practice and approach to personal transformation. Here, we discuss the ways people struggle to fit in, how to accept and learn from criticism, and the power of embracing your own individuality.

How do you manage to get to the core of each individual? It’s so common these days for people to have this impenetrable facade, how do you get down to the root of their issues?

It’s about embracing every person’s individuality, but looking at what unites us as well. We are all individuals in some sense. We are all different; we all have our unique patterns. But on a higher level, we are all the same. What I mean is: if you think about all the emotions we experience, whether it’s happiness, sadness, jealousy, joy, depression — none of them are new. We could go back 5,000 years and we would find them in our ancestors: we haven’t invented new emotions. When you zoom out, you see that we all actually strive for the same things. Everyone wants to be happy and safe, and everyone wants to be loved and accepted. So, when you see things from this angle, then you recognize that we are all afraid of the same things. Not fitting in, for example. This meant death for millions of years; if you didn’t belong to a community or society and were left in the woods all alone, you would be dead. So, we have a very strong urge to fit in, to belong somewhere. It’s about recognizing these patterns, and then zooming in and looking closely at the individual: how are you struggling with fitting in, is that an issue for you?

I see what you mean. This desire to fit in is a biological imperative, yet, it can become destructive if, say, we try to fit into a space that isn’t suited to us, or that doesn’t allow us to be ourselves.

Exactly. Some people have this tiny space they want to fit into but they are actually bigger than that space themselves. So they chop off their parts: they’re unwilling to proclaim that they are many things at once. I know many people who do different things. I am a writer and a coach, for example. I have a friend who is an actress and a tour guide, and she tells people that she’s either one or the other depending on the situation. But why not say both? She says that no one understands her choices, but both of those careers contribute to her being. And I wonder, why would you chop off an arm, so to speak, just to fit into this group of people? But it’s up to the person to decide, to say, “I’m bigger than this group. I’m a bigger entity and I’m not going to sacrifice something of myself just to be accepted.”

Does this have more to do with what you say about yourself, or how you feel about yourself?

They’re intrinsically linked. The way you approach and feel about things is so important because it is then expressed through words. I’ll give you an example. I don’t have a business card. I don’t like the concept, really. However, when I go to an event, someone normally asks me for my business card. I used to be burdened by this, and would mumble something like, “Oh, I’m just getting a new batch.” People would sense that I had some insecurity around this theme. And they were right; a part of me agreed that business cards were useful, yet another part of me associated having no business cards with a sense of freedom.

Eventually, I made a clear decision that I don’t want to carry business cards: I don’t need them. So now when I go to a meeting, and someone asks for my business card, I just say, “I don’t do business cards.” And their reaction is totally different — more positive, or even envious sometimes. The way you feel about yourself is always reflected in how others perceive you. We received these messages subconsciously, so even if you’re feeling insecure but you think you’re faking it well, the other person will always get the message. They will sense your discomfort. Whereas when you say, “This is who I am, take it or leave it,” it’s clear that you’re not burdened by what people think of you. You need to walk the talk, in a sense, not just preach it.

What about you? Do you care what people think of you?

When people love me, I accept it, and I think it’s great. When people hate me, I try to see how they see me. I find it interesting, and I try to see things from their perspective. The point is, I can handle it, and I’m not going to shape myself according to people’s reactions. That’s the thing. I try to avoid shaping myself just to fit in with a certain group, to be accepted by this or that person. I try to shape myself consciously (as much as possible) and to decide what I expect from this shaping: what’s goal, in what ways do I want to grow as a person? And when I say goal, it’s not about doing something but being something. Doing something is a result of being. We always talk about what we do in life, or what we want to become, but the higher level is really being someone. And being someone isn’t to know 100% who you are (we are all, after all, a mystery to ourselves), but when you function from this level of truly being, it becomes clearer what you can do and what you can become.

I want to ask you about criticism. With this idea of truly being someone, and knowing that we are accountable to ourselves but also to others, how do you differentiate between the criticism that is only there to make you conform or fit in, and the criticism that holds real value?

My personal approach is to hear all criticism. If I catch myself blocking something, it means that the criticism is actually valid. If it hurts, then there is some truth to it. So my goal is to be open to all criticism and then evaluate it. Not necessarily in that moment, however. Take the criticism and maybe just put it in your pocket for later, because at that moment it may be very hot and it could burn. So you take it out the next day and ask yourself, “Is this true? Am I like this? Why does this person perceive me like this? Maybe I acted a certain way in that moment, but is that truly who I am?” Evaluate it, and see if you can come up with an alternative to it, see if you can find a method that might be more aligned with who you are. It’s really about being truthful with yourself and not defensive. Being on the defensive always keeps you in your comfort zone, and then you never grow. When you open up, you begin to expand, and as you expand, you grow stronger.

I’m very hard to offend, for example. You can call me an idiot, and I would sit down and think of all the idiotic things I’ve done in my life. Conversely, you could say I’m a genius and I can also think of some genius things I’ve created. We are all everything, that’s the misconception people struggle with: they believe they’re either good or bad. No, you’re everything. You’re a human being, and everything that belongs to a human being is in you. It’s about watering the right seeds for yourself. Your judgement of what’s right will be different from my judgement, but that’s fine. As long as you are truthful with yourself, you will function from that level of being. You will walk this planet with confidence and you will be open.

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