A Million Little Things

I woke up alone in my bed again.

I knew it was only a matter of time before you abandoned me.Before you got a hold of yourself and realized your worth. Realized you’re better than this. Better than me.

Or at least that’s what I’m preparing myself for, hoping you’ll do it.

I honestly thought I had escaped the darkness. But, it’s inescapable. It lives within me and every year I spend unhappy, away from home, it buries itself deeper. It hides itself in a million little things….. Being accountable for once, I hide it in a million little things. I bury my darkness in actions so the smoke perpetually reflects in the mirrors. It’s a decoy, I’m a hoax. I can’t say that I particularly enjoy life. I wish I could find a way to enjoy living. If there was a reason, I would’ve found it by now.

But, what I do find is that I continue to hide away from myself. Run away from myself. And bury myself in a million little things. Love, travel, film, school, work, family, social issues, Instagram, Facebook. All the things, I do or have ever done are just a disguise so I can live with myself.

But honestly, I think I hate me.

I’m so hateful towards others. It’s because I hate me. I act like I’m all fine and accomplished — thank god for my accomplishments, without them I wouldn’t be able to hide from the world, or myself. — but really I’m a wreck. And only after I’ve been crying for hours do I come to realize how I truly feel about me..

I just want to say I love you Mom. You’re my best friend in this entire world and I’m gonna miss you so much. I’m sorry for filling your days with so much negativity and always making the maintenance of my moods your responsibility. After everything you’ve been through, you deserve better. I wish I were capable of being that, for you more than any one else. Thank you for all of the parts of me that I actually even like. Thank you for the endless road trips, countless hours spent talking on the phone, all of our inside jokes, our original language, bring my cheerleader, singing me to bed when I was a kid and even still when I’m running on E.

You deserved better. I hate that you had to see your little girl grow up so bitter. You deserved better. It was either me or god that robbed you of that, and you deserved better.

To my brothers. K- thank you for raising me. At one point, I know in my heart that I was everything you worked so hard for. I just wish I had been that for the past 10 years. I lost that long ago and will never get it back. C- thank you for always trying, I wish I had given you that hug. One last hug. You are so important to me and I know you’ll become everything you want in this life.

To my Dad, just know, I didn’t have what it takes. I never did. I’m not the torch of your legacy. I’m the unraveled thread cut from your cloth. I love you and I’m sorry.

To my ex, you were right to leave. I would have never changed. I haven’t still. You were my first love and I abused you, I was sick and took pride in taking my power from your hurting. I’m happy for you, I hope you’re so incredibly in love. Lord knows you deserve it. Especially after me. How I treated you haunts me to this day. I will always love you.

To my boyfriend, you deserve so much better. You asked me “why are you treating me like this?” I think it’s because I treat people how I deserved to be treated.

I’m sorry for shattering you. I’m sorry for telling you I love you and lying to your face.

I’m sorry for promising you marriage and a family, hanging it within your reach and snatching that hope from you like it meant nothing. Like you mean nothing.

I’m sorry for convincing you that I was worth it. I’m sorry for telling you to leave and find someone else everytime we fight, knowing you don’t want to go. I’m sorry you fell in love with me. I’m sorry that nothing you ever do seems like enough. I’m sorry for making our relationship seem so disposable. I’m sorry for making you feel inadequate. I’m sorry I became your responsibility towards the end. I’m so sorry that the last thing I said to you was that I don’t care. I’m sorry for not caring enough to fight for you. I’m sorry that you’ll remember this as our last day together.

I’m sorry that I kept you for so long, there’s a greater love out there for you and I pray to a God I’m not even sure exists, that you find it and it’s everything I refused to and couldn’t be.

I do love you. Take care of and always snuggle da moo 🐈 .

I’ve been thinking that maybe, I’m so cruel because I resent all of you for binding me to this life and forcing me to continue because I’m afraid of what my absence may do to you. But I’ve come to find that it can’t be any worse than my presence.

I love you all, but I can no longer hide in a million little things.

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